So today, in the sixth workshop we have had, I brought in the third draft of Little Visitor, which had now expanded the father-mother conflict and extended the ending to allow Bobby to play a larger role in settling the issue. The opening has also reincorporated the dinner scene between Carl and his son to better establish their situation.
So, class and tutor feedback?
- The ending managed to be sweet without being sappy or too well wrapped up, acknowledging the difficult situation our trio found themselves in.
- The fight in the last third gives better insight into the relationship´s history between Carl and Maria.
- Dialogue needs some polishing, especially Carl´s in the opening which sounded a little robotic.
- Better geography: the story needs to be more definitely anchored somewhere, in terms of location description as well as maybe the speaking style of the characters.
- Bobo still needs more justification, as he still feel like an external component instead of an active presence aiding the story.
- Some fo Bobby´s dialogue a little stiff and repetitious, such as he use of the word ´Dad´more than would be expected for a boy his age.
- Still lacks a proper target audience. Needs more of a definite focus: Bobo and Bobby, or the parents reconciling and doing what´s right for their son?.